The captain of the Titanic was a beautiful, beautiful man. The mayor of Pompeii was a human specimen of the highest caliber. Helen of Troy had a “face that launched a thousand ships”.

Yet would you ever want Helen to be the captain of one of those ships? Oh God no. Can you imagine her sailing straight into a storm on the open seas, all full of a positivity and expectation that only good looks can produce? It’d be a total disaster.

Voluptuous lips sink ships people! And these hotties are a real liability.

POINT #1: Beautiful people believe it will all work out in the end.

A perfect case study is found in the life of Neville Chamberlain, one of the sexiest prime ministers the UK has ever had at the helm. He wrongly believed that appeasing Hitler would make everything ok and that his legacy would be thirsty photos of himself and inspirational quotes against the backdrop of a beach around sunset.

Contrast that with the Winston Churchill years. Churchill was a serial pessimist, who looked like the lovechild of Zhu Ba Jie (猪八戒) and an alcoholic pitbull. But his rosacea covered, water-retaining jowls were just what the world needed to guide us through humanity’s darkest hour.

POINT #2: Beautiful people are so used to be treated well that they wrongly assume everyone is basically a good person.

Old man Noah, builder of the ark, knew better. At exactly five feet one inch of height, with thinning hair and an obtrusive overbite, he was well positioned to receive God’s message: “Humanity is depraved beyond all hope.”

He never raised an issue, never made excuses for his neighbors: “Oh they’re not so bad God, just the other day several people let me cut in front of them at the grocery store, everyone is always smiling at me, holding doors open for me, buying me drinks at the bar.”

Nope.

He just brushed his shoulders off (they were covered in dandruff), and started gathering animals.

POINT #3: Beautiful people have high hopes for the future.

Beautiful people want us to reach for the stars, spread our wings and fly. All the while a catastrophic crash is all but assured. And when the crash inevitably happens, beautiful people can fall back onto any number of wonderful careers like TV analyst or salesperson for a medical supplies company. Meanwhile, we’re left with nothing (and I mean NOTHING).

Proceed with caution and remember: it takes a beautiful person to dream of flying, but an ugly person to build the plane. Case and point, in 1898 Hanson Bennett first conceived of a flying machine that could carry passengers. He had cheekbones that looked like they’d been carved from marble and his twelve passengers enthusiastically followed the handsome captain Bennett on his inaugural flight…off the side of a cliff.

Meanwhile, it wasn’t until 1903 in Kittyhawk, North Carolina that the gangly Orville Redenbacher and his unsightly brother Wilbur Redenbacher created a plane that actually worked.

IN CONCLUSION

If a man’s too pretty or a woman’s too gorgeous they can’t be trusted. Better to have a face like Cortez’s burning boats.

Beautiful people are too positive and far too optimistic. They’ll call an asteroid a rainbow rock and a heart attack a silly tickle.

Don’t let them anywhere near the control panel folks, lest they dash this ship to pieces upon the shore. For beautiful people are a liability and will bring about the ruin of us all.

Beautiful People are a Liability