They say you should never blame the audience, but we all know it’s really their fault. Amirite?

They’re petulant and fickle, distracted and selfish. We live in a society of all talkers and no listeners. Nobody wants to listen, it is a terrible, thankless job. Listening is like being a sanitation worker: if you can somehow stomach the task, you can make a decent living for yourself. For example, at current rates, a full body massage will run you about 95$ an hour, while psychotherapy is 165$ per session. The market is literally telling you that people would rather rub oil on a stranger’s naked, flabby body than have to listen to you talk for an hour.

Not only that, but it also goes without saying that the majority of people secretly hate comedy in their hearts. That’s why promoting your show has the same uncomfortable feeling as the Jehovah’s Witnesses inviting you over for Bible study. “Oh, I’d definitely love to come check that out sometime,” they’ll say. But let it be rainy, or slippery, or damp and they’ll duck out at the last minute. If their distant Uncle Hank catches a cold, or they’re upset by the news of the day and need some time to process alone, or if conditions are inauspicious according to the Chinese Almanac they’ll also fail to materialize in the audience.

While we’re at it, let’s mention that audiences carry a terrible double standard these days. They’ll attend a concert and hear the same old song they’ve heard a hundred times and go wild. They’ll even go to a Farmer’s Market, where some teenager stands awkwardly in the corner performing an acoustic cover of said song and it will be mildly enjoyable. But let them hear the same joke twice and they’ll be up in arms. If you tell even one old joke, they will riot!

And don’t even think about bombing guys. They’ll mentally give up on you mid-set, assuming that because the last six jokes were bad, the next three will be as well. They’ll glance down at their phone and fidget in their seats. “Maybe tonight was a mistake, maybe I should leave…”, they’ll say. But these same hypocrites will cheer and holler for a “not-to-be named” sports franchise, which has been bombing for many decades, extending to them an unearned grace they’d never dream of giving a comedian.

And as if all that weren’t bad enough, people now have the unrealistic expectation that comedians be good looking. That’s right! Attractive comedians! In our current state of dysfunction and chaos bonafide human specimens- 8s 9s 9.5s and 10s - are coming into the nearly bare and picked over cupboards of standup comedy and helping themselves to a big heaping portion of whatever they want.

For decades standup has been the clearly demarcated territory of the mediocre to below-average looking people of the world – the security guard, the bucktoothed neighbor, the lady working the counter at a bowling alley – but now eye-wateringly attractive people want to be beautiful AND FUNNY. Like a greedy cancerous Borg, they are not content with what they currently have and resistance is futile.

On the power rankings of entertainment, comedy currently ranks just below “Brass Orchestra”. Indeed, there is now consensus that a brass orchestra, rather than standup, better fits the social and physiological needs of today’s modern audiences. At a concert, you can stand there in your fancy tuxedo and chat over the music, sipping Brut and eating tiny ham sandwiches.

Sure, it might be dull but at least it’s familiar and comfortable. There’s no need for focused attention and the trombone player is not going to call you out in front of everyone if you leave for a quick potty break or to answer a call.

So since my time is almost up, let me end with this:

Did you guys have fun tonight? You guys have been a ton fun!

Well, we’re going to bring up the main event for the night, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Welcoming to the stage, somebody who needs no introduction: he’s handsome AND funny!! …and he’ll be rubbing oil all over you for the next hour! LADIES and GENTLEMEN…. playing that song you love to hear! The one you’ve heard a thousand times before!!! Folks, put your hands and ham sandwiches together for A BRASS ORCHESTRA!!!!!

Blame the Audience