You have to feel bad for the fruit sellers in these action films. I really hope they’ve insured their small business, because if there is a chase scene anywhere near them the losses will be financially catastrophic. Heroes and bad guys don’t just run by an open-air market, they run through it, tossing merchandise into the air as they go.

And while we’re talking about insurance and chase scenes, it probably makes sense to name the elephant in the room – has anyone ever made it intact to the end of a chase scene whilst riding a motorcycle? Cyclists need to have some self-awareness and ask themselves, “Is the hero speeding away in a stolen BMW? Well I’m a bike cop, so I’d better not chase him.” After all, there’s clear precedence for how it’ll end – side swiped by a car door or a semi-trailer to the face at an intersection. Leave it alone motorcycle henchman. Walk away. The medical bills and extended physical rehab you’ll have to endure are not worth the miniscule possibility of bucking the trend.

Also, someone tell these protagonists to please stop stealing cars. We don’t care if The Jackal of Al Zabadani is getting away and you left your rental back at the crime scene, that’s your problem not ours! You just stole my car and knowing that it’s being used for “police business” is small consolation. Imagine the following alternative scene which you’ll never see in a film: the hero drives off, hanging out the window, handguns blazing. It gets quiet and awkward. Jean-Baptiste, his car having been commandeered, saunters over to the bus station and takes the 91 Express the rest of the way to work.

The whole scene is implausible to begin with. Americans do not go to Europe and solve crimes or fight terrorism, that would involve too much language acquisition. Our hero may be a master marksman or aficionado with a bazooka, but he’s not scouring the streets of Krakow digging up clues without the serious aid of a professional translator. And he’s not flying from Trondheim to Prague to Geneva in an open-air helicopter. The jump seats are way too uncomfortable for that!

And even though they’re CIA or FBI or an elite secret unit, let’s not forget these are still state employees and we all know the US government doesn’t work that fast. It’s not nimble, there’s loads of paperwork and logistics involved. The bureaucracy and red tape to shoot a bad guy is enough to make one wish they were the one who’d be blasted.

Speaking of getting shot, are we seeing this correctly? It doesn’t look that bad.

Far as we can tell, there’s a loud noise followed by a look of shock on your face. Then you’re slightly out of breath and need to sit down. You verbally transmit some useful information before closing your eyes and seemingly drifting off to sleep. It doesn’t look so different from the car ride home from Cheesecake Factory, so I’m wondering if there’s opportunities to schedule getting shot after work sometime soon.

Thankfully, villains have easy-to-understand plans, never something like “I’ve designed an exploitative economic system that will slowly rob people of their livelihoods, whilst using premium media and entertainment to distract them from what’s really going on” but instead “I’ve designed a laser to blow up the moon, so we can bring the USSR back.” They have thick eyebrows, almost as thick as their vaguely Polish (Estonian?) accents. Combine that with a scar or an eye patch and identifying ‘who is behind it all’ is not so difficult.

The mastermind is never some CPA from Oshkosh, Wisconsin who watches Packers’ football and has been on the church board for 8 years. That would be mixing genres, and we’re not talking about documentaries right now!

So, remember, as Oscars season is upon us, discussion is sure to be lively and informed. Stay tuned to a Bright DrewTopian Future for more nuanced analysis from the voices you trust most in film and the arts.

Critical Film Criticism with Searing Narrative Analysis