“Abraham answered, “My friend, remember that while you lived, you had everything good, and Lazarus had everything bad. Now he is happy, and you are in pain.”

-Luke 16:25

It has been said that heaven and hell are the same place and the only difference will be the way we experience eternity. In that case the brightest heavenly sunlight to some will feel like a hellish interminable burning to others. And what will feel to saints like the softest heavenly grass will be like shards of glass cutting the feet of those sinners sentenced to eternal damnation. According to this theory heaven and hell are all a matter of attitude and perspective.

Well, who knows what to expect after the final minutes of your life slip away. But if the afterlife truly is a matter of perspective, let me warn you away from ever going to Southern California.

SoCal is an absolute paradise yet terrible for the soul. It’s too nice. In terms of preparing for life after death, there is no worse place to live. Heaven or Hell - no matter where they end up, Californians will be sorely disappointed. Sunshine, beaches, palm trees, and perfect weather. Immaculate people, chill vibes, everything and everyone exuding a potent sense of coolness. There’s nowhere to go but down from here.

Imagine their sadness walking through the pearly gates and looking around. How do you suppose they’re going to feel? “Yeah, streets paved of gold and angels playing harp music are nice, but have you tried that gelato place in Laguna Beach?”

Let’s be honest, Californians wouldn’t even want to go to heaven. When it’s seventy and sunny all year round, you’re pretty much all set, thank you. The eternal compass God placed inside the soul becomes irrevocably broken. Spiritual true north points towards Coronado Island instead of some cosmic mansion in the sky.

No, unfortunately, SoCal won’t get you ready for the afterlife, but there’s other places out there that will.

For example, Michigan standards are fairly low. We don’t need a whole lot to feel somewhat satisfied. The houses in heaven are adorned in rubies and diamonds, and the streets are paved in gold. But never mind that, we’ll just be glad they’re paved at all. For there’s a fairly high chance it was a crater sized pothole on the freeway that caused your premature departure from life in the first place.

However, gold paved streets are pretty nice if you think about it. You won’t have to salt them in the wintertime, which will help the value of your car not to depreciate so quickly. Also, if you’re worried about parking, don’t fret. The parking is VERY convenient in heaven, there’s plenty of spots, and the lots are right off the freeway in case you need to leave early to get home and dodge the traffic.

But even if we don’t make it into heaven, we’d still be really happy with the backup plan - hell.

Suppose you’re an evil Detroiter. You’ve lived a crummy life, oppressing the poor and being unkind to every person under the sun. The heavenly board of directors sends you to that fiery lake of burning sulfur.

A true Michigander will see this as an upgrade: “Wait – are you telling me it’s warm year-round there!? I’ll take it!” After all, it’s much cheaper than a time-share in Fort Myers. Sure, hell gets oppressively hot in the summertime, but with a few small adjustments we’d manage. Just keep the A/C set at 65 and wear a sweater indoors.

It won’t be so bad. The way we keep pumping out crazy people like cars coming off the factory line, perhaps devils will seem rather pleasant. And the 9 Circles of Hell can’t hold a candle to this weather in April. We won’t need to make any large adjustments to our dietary habits, the food in hell is mostly barbecue with a heaping side of carbs. And of course, everyone there is in eternal agony, so local sports fans will feel right at home from day one!

Strange as it may seem, we might even prefer hell over heaven. Imagine us finding all the flaws in heaven: It’s too nice! You can’t take yourself seriously there!! We’d probably choose to endure the misery, trying to make the best of being bathed in fiery lava. Periodically, they might even send an intern from heaven down to remind us – hey you guys know you can leave anytime right?

But Michiganders will just shrug – eh, it is what it is. Can’t complain anyhow.

You decide which is better – heaven on earth or a mildly less intolerable hell for all eternity? Clearly the choice is easy. After all, it’s all a matter of perspective, and with an attitude like that you’ll never go anywhere.

Don't Go To SoCal