One time, my mom and I signed up to take a tour of the Great Wall, but instead they took us to a bunch of factories where carpets are made.

We were promised an authentic China experience.

In the morning, as the tour bus departed the hotel they said we’d go “straight to the Great Wall, after a quick stop to see some silkworms.” Sure, why not? We’ve never seen a real-life silkworm. And besides, it’s on the way out there.

But what started as a cultural detour became an all-day ordeal. It wasn’t just one factory, it was many. Many Factories.

Jade. Pearls. Carpets. Handbags. Pictures dressed as Emperor Kangxi and his third favorite concubine. Traditional Tea Ceremonies and DVD racks.

We were shuttled from one undisclosed location to the next, our tour guide faithfully chattering away on her voice box microphone, bombarding us with historical facts and unverified Beijing opinions.

Our group of mostly American retirees became increasingly cranky and threatened to rebel. “WHAT IS THIS!?!” “WHEN ARE WE GOING TO THE GREAT WALL!?!” “WE’RE HUNGRY!!!” Our guide assured us that we were almost there. That if we could hold on a little longer, we’d be served lunch. And then after one more “final and very-quick” post lunch stop we’d get to go to the Great Wall and take our photo with a camel like they did in ancient China.

At the time we were angry with how the day unfolded, but now I can see that our wise tour guides knew what most Chinese people also know: you can’t let foreigners just wander around unattended. Left unsupervised for even a moment, lao wai are liable to walk right off a cliff or stick their fingers in a light socket for fun. So when you take foreigners on their vacation, you’ve got to fill the time, keep them moving and constantly distract them. You’ve got to space out meals and snacks, and always ALWAYS be dangling the funnest activity of the day in front of them to encourage good behavior. You never, ever, do the fun thing first, but save it for the end, otherwise the rest of the day will be an unbearable chore.

And having waited all day for a wall and a camel, we naturally felt the time spent there was too short. We felt duped and cheated, bamboozled into running errands with them all day in exchange for a mediocre payoff. But let’s be honest, we didn’t need to be at the Great Wall for that long anyhow - forty five minutes was MORE than sufficient. And there was also no scenario in which we would return to the hotel that evening satisfied. The hard truth is that no matter how the day had gone, we would finish it grumpy - either upset that it was over or mad that it sucked.

However, as you get older, your tastes in vacationing become more refined.

In previous days I might have enjoyed sitting on the beach, sipping on a coconut, sunning myself in the breeze. Or maybe a solo-trip to some distinguished museum, to drink in the artwork of great masters, to slowly contemplate the intent of their vision and its meaning for humanity.

But not now. Now the most relaxing thing I can imagine is one of these guided tours. Shove me in a bus, drive me around town, talk to me in quotes and factoids. I want to watch how glue is made or pet a goat or learn about the migrational patterns of trout.

Put a lanyard around my neck, put a brightly colored cap upon my head, tell me again and again the difference between stalactites and stalagmites. It’s all so deeply relaxing

Drag me to the next spot please, and corral the unruly behavior of me and my companions. I need you to bravely push through your pre-written speech on 18th century architecture knowing that we’re not paying attention. I want you to wonder what on earth could be so funny as we giggle and smirk, and whisper under our breath.

Let someone else take the wheel for a while. Let them think for us. After all, it’s our vacation and there’s nothing more restful than an authentic experience.

Guided Tours