Serious answers to serious questions require serious leadership. And a foundational question we must ask ourselves (in these trying times) is not whether our candidates are fit to lead, but rather, would they be entertaining to watch on tv?

Do they possess the abysmal charisma of a mid-level bank manager or are they beautiful and strong? Could you see them choke slamming other world leaders through one of those folding tables on Friday Night Smackdown? If the answer is ‘yes’, then the choice is obvious.

We all know what true leadership looks like.

Now it goes without saying that (in these unprecedented times) nobody really trusts authority anymore. But the elephant in the room is that somebody still has to be in charge (sadly). But who can be trusted to responsibly wield power?

Well it certainly can’t be Congress! Those incompetent buffoons couldn’t find hair spray in the middle of Bettina’s Wig Palace. And it can’t be the Senate either, that rotten pack of tea sipping, fork tongued baldies. You can’t trust a word they say! That’s not even their real hair, just a wig their chief of staff picked up for them at Bettina’s.

And obviously it can’t be the Mayor, who is an alleged (convicted) war criminal coming from a long lineage of bootleggers and successful real estate agents. Worm!

And we won’t tolerate the Governor either, who has a far below average aptitude for life, as the ubiquitous lawn signs so cogently remind us.

Sadly, all these dirty, useless politicians will have to be cleared out like that barely opened relish jar in the breakroom fridge. They’ve sat for too long and only total weirdos like relish anyhow!

The only ones who can stay as is are the Supreme Court Justices (may their names be revered). Furthermore, when it comes to the beloved Justices we need to abolish term limits and abolish age limits. Keep them in those seats for as long as the Lord’s breath runs through their lips. The older they are the better, and as their lives wind down (steadily approaching the pearly gate of Saint Peter just the other side of eternity) may their decisions become ever sharper and more discerning.

Because centenarian judges are the best judges. We need people who were actually there when Cain took a folding chair to the back of his brother’s noggin, people who were physically present when Rome sumo-suplexed Carthage into oblivion on the plain of Zama, people who we standing nearby when Moses inscribed on his tablet “thou shalt not murder”. Other than them, old people have no business being in politics and neither should they be permitted to vote

……… But if that seems too extreme to you, we can compromise, which need I remind you is the bedrock of democracy.

Now hear me out. We could hand out plastic poker chips, the kind they use at the casinos. And whenever you feel like voting in an election you turn in one of your chips. We’ll allow for five chips per lifetime, redeemable at your election of choice (you can even waste them on the primaries if you so choose). Dear reader, that’s TWENTY WHOLE YEARS of political involvement, an amount of governmental input from the unwashed masses that is nearly unprecedented in human history!

I fear that’s the best we’ll be able to offer you for now. For democracy isn’t for the entitled, it’s for the chronically negative, semi-self-aware persons who barely trust themselves enough to buy the right granola at the grocery store.

One more thing.

While we are making these wonderful reforms to our derelict political system let’s also go ahead and finally give children the right to vote. Sure, they may not be up to date on the complex trade agreements of the day, or the geopolitical situation in Southeast Asia, but they’re more than capable of making a dichotomous choice rooted in emotion and virtue.

Bringing kids on board would be fun, like when Nickelodeon started telecasting the NFL for wildcard weekend. Touchdown! (Followed by slime being dropped)

Who wouldn’t want to see the softer side of our candidates as they run a second-grade math class in Des Moines or watch them try not smirk while engaging the overly earnest question about greenhouse gases from a Pennsylvanian high school girl?

We’ve put it off for too long folks. It’s time to let toddlers vote. There’s no issue making a mess, just as long as you’re around to live in it.

Not only that, we should give suffrage to those who are incarcerated and on parole. Mostly because they are the soberest segment of society at this time (the rest of us took our stimulus checks and went straight to the liquor store and the dispensary).

What do you think? Perhaps their experiences of being victims of America’s over bloated mass incarceration network would mold them in ways to vote for more compassionate candidates and help build a brighter, more equitable future for EVERYONE in this country, including the disadvantaged?

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Settle down, I’m just joking!!! (…..or am I?)

Hahahahahahahahaha!! People voting behind bars?? Preposterous.

Seriously though, the real problem these days with democracy is that there’s too many cooks in the kitchen and you can’t trust a single one of them. Young people are too unreliable and weak, the middle-aged are far too self-absorbed. Retirees take everything too seriously yet somehow manage to dress in floral print four out of seven days a week. We obviously can’t let criminals vote, or children, or old people. And let’s be honest, anybody who would still be available and mentally stable is going to be too busy to vote because Tuesdays are always super slammed.

To really make Democracy work, it’s going to take everybody working together, by just doing what we’re told for a few years. No comments, no complaining, no participation for a while please! And look, this arrangement is just temporary. When everything settles down and we’ve got a good system in place we’re very much looking forward to getting everyone’s input again.

We’re going to be streamlining things a bit. Cutting out some of the fat, removing a bit of the middle man.

Let’s delete these non-essentials: the mayor, the congress, the governor, the senate, the parties, the populace, old folks, young folks, liberals, conservatives. Let’s make the process of picking highly efficient so that leadership will give us exactly what we need without our having to take time away from our busy lives.

We all know what true leadership looks like and it’s not some spineless bureaucrat boring us with his mealy-mouthed explanations of policy or nuance. Rather, it’s a people’s champion who will take the issues of the day and ram them face first into the turnbuckle. A hero who’ll put our enemies in a headlock, then finish them off with a piledriver into the mat.

Despite our deep divisions, I think we can all still agree that the best kind of democracy is dictatorship. And that, dear reader, is how to fix American politics forever.

How to Fix American Politics Forever