As men enter middle age, their brains begin to sag. Once perky synapses aren’t quite as buxom as they used to be. It’s not our fault, after all some of us have multiple children and the experience will inevitably change your body. The kids are always tugging on our brains, wanting more, grabbing at our brains with their endless series of questions. We often feel that our brains have been sucked dry, that there’s nothing left to give, yet these kids keep demanding more. A human child asks 400 questions a day, wearing you down, your brain becomes floppy.

Not only that, but we’ve also got our insatiable partners to contend with. They’re always reaching for our brains, wanting a little slice, totally ignoring our whole selves. Sometimes it makes me feel like “Hello!? That’s attached!” Worst of all is late in the evening, right before bed when they start pawing at us with question after question. Not now please! I’m just too tired, okay? Maybe tomorrow.

We are sent out into the world with lists and random minutiae we’ve been assigned to remember. Shopping lists, to do lists, lists of lists. They cognitively load us down, like an overworked Peruvian donkey trudging up the side of an Andean gorge. Every five feet they’re adding just “one more thing” for us to carry with these exhausted wobbling neurons of ours.

And you’ve got to hold it all in there, don’t let a single piece of info slip off the side of your mind because that will be the first thing they ask you about when you get home. These women are like blood hounds, sniffing out that item you forgot to do. It’s almost biblical: they’ll leave the ninety-nine things you did remember, to go off and find the one random task that slipped your mind.

They seem to think your brain is the recovered black box of a downed jumbo jet. They ask impossible to answer questions like “How was your time hanging out with Bob?” “What did you and Bob talk about?” and “What did Bob say when you told him that?” Like a courtroom stenographer we are expected to go back and recite verbatim from the mental transcript of our conversation with Bob. Any missing sections or gaps in reporting are met with incredulity.

In the 2011 movie Source Code, Jake Gyllenhall plays a downed helicopter pilot whose mind is hooked up to a super computer. Again and again he is sent back in time by a woman played by Vera Farmiga, as she forces him to try and remember what happened. He pleads with her “just let me die!!”, but she yells at him to pull himself together and transmit to her the information she is seeking. Perhaps unintentionally, this movie is Shakespearean in its metaphorical depth.

For all these above reasons I’ve been seriously considering brain augmentation with AI implants. And before you judge me saying ‘that’s not a real brain, that’s just a bunch of synthetic’, just for a moment consider my own feelings. I know I’m not young anymore and my brain isn’t what it used to be. Implants will be good for my self-esteem and you may find that shallow, but it still matters to me.

Consider how much better of a father I’m going to be with implants. All 400 of the children’s daily questions answered seamlessly providing AI-generated responses in milliseconds:

Q: “Dad, what are we going to do today?”

A: “Today is… [].. Tuesday, which ordinarily is a school day, however according to the calendar you are on spring break... The high today will be… [] … 56 degrees indicating ideal conditions for an outdoor activity. Here are some options near you…[] …

[1] Walk to the coffee shop. You can eat a cream cheese bagel, while I use a stack of napkins to sop up the hot chocolate you spilled…

[2] Go to the park near our house. I will check sports scores on my phone while watching you out of the corner of my eye….[]

[3]… [] … Belle Isle Park, known simply as Belle Isle, is a 982-acre island park in Detroit, Michigan, developed in the late 19th century. It consists of Belle Isle, an island in the Detroit River, as well as several surrounding islets. The U.S.-Canada border is in the channel south of Belle Isle….

Q: “Dad, I’m hungry now.”

A: “I'm sorry, but as an AI language model, I don't have the ability to get you a snack, please follow up with your mother for assistance...”

And consider how much better of a husband I’ll be after a pair of implants. Women may claim they love natural brains, be secretly they all desire their man to have implants. She’ll love me like I’m Jake Gyllenhaal after I give her comprehensive and detailed information on my recent interaction with Bob.

Q: “How was your time hanging out with Bob?”

A: “Bob and I spent… [] … 2 hours and 37 minutes socially interacting... He is excited about the upcoming NFL draft and thinks the Lions should take the best defensive lineman available at 6, unless one the more favorably ranked quarterbacks is still on the board. The remainder of our conversation revolved around three key topics [] …

[1] new furniture that we recently purchased for our garage, and other forms of thinly veiled bragging to cover up our insecurities

[2] cigars, beer, and food. ….

[3] shallow discussion of our existential boredom at work and the sneaking suspicion

that life is ultimately meaningless…

…I drank [] … 51.32 ounces of beer, a combination of lager and higher content IPAs. I spent [] … $77.76 not including a tip of $18.00 given to our above-average looking waitress. All of this exceeds the parameters of our unwritten understanding regarding alcohol consumption and monetary spending, and I offer my sincere apology… []”

Q: “Ok…well..um, just don’t forget to take the trash out before bed…”

A: “As an AI language model, I am incapable of doing household chores. Please do it yourself.”

People are afraid to get AI hooked up to their brain. They worry “you won’t be able to think for yourself anymore!!!”

Well, sign me up! I’m spoiled cabbage, past my prime and rotting on the shelf. Time to get those puppies implanted and finally go back to having the perky brain of a younger man again.

Implants for Men