Interfaith Hell: FAQs

Dear Valued Friend,

Thank you for your continued support as we bring you the best eternity has to offer.

One of the great things about being in the hospital is having an interfaith chaplain pray for you before surgery. Our highly trained and professional interfaith chaplains can cover any of your spiritual prayer needs as you prepare to go under the knife. Regardless of your religious preferences or metaphysical proclivities the chaplains are qualified to deliver a pre-op prayer that will get you into whatever afterlife you desire, in the event of your untimely demise on the operating table.

Clearly, that would be a tragedy and we would all be very sad to see you go. But rest assured, their prayer will get you into your version of heaven, given that you were a fairly decent person and the deity running the universe is willing to let those more unsavory chapters of your life slide.

However, this letter is to inform you that if you are not selected for heaven, but rather assigned to purgatory, there is a slight possibility you may end up in interfaith hell. This may be the first time you’re hearing this and you probably have a lot of questions, which is why we’ve provided this detailed FAQ below.

Will I still be able to go hell?

No need to worry, you will still be able to go to hell in a timely fashion. The current system is very similar to what you’ve seen in the past. When you die, you are assigned to either heaven or hell. The only difference is your casefile will be marked for interfaith hell, meaning you could, in theory, be assigned to a hell that’s outside the coverage of your current religion.

This all stems from an overlooked procedural policy in our system that has not be updated in many years and is in need of revision. We are working tirelessly to bring our system up to the standard you deserve, however the process will not be completed until at least this time next year.

What is interfaith hell and how is it different from the hell I was previously enrolled in?

Good question. You’re probably very familiar with the traditional forms of hell taken from Dante’s Inferno and the Robin Williams movie What Dreams May Come. This includes all the classic flavors of hell you’ve come to know and expect: the fire, the lava, pitchforks, guy in red outfit playing lead guitar for ACDC, etc. This is the more, shall we say, Catholic, Protestant, or Evangelical hell that you grew up with. We understand this is the one you’re most familiar and comfortable with, and our technicians are working around the clock to ensure you’re able to book a spot here.

But spaces are very limited and the system already has a long waiting list for this version of hell, so in the meantime it’s important to note that you may be assigned to the hell of a different religion.

How do the other versions of hell differ from the one I’m familiar with?

Your torture and eternal torment are our highest priority, and we work hard to ensure that all versions of hell, regardless of faith, are equally miserable. While it may not be the lake of fire you’ve been expecting, rest assured you can still have an excruciating experience until the end of time.

For example, you may have heard about receiving 40 virgins in Paradise, so now we have a limited one-time offer to be placed in Muslim hell where you will spend all eternity with 40 ex-wives who each hate you in their own unique way. You’ll spend hours upon hours engaged in passive-aggressive conversation as they slowly whittle your soul down to a nub, only for it recover long enough for them to start chiseling away at it again.

But wait there’s more! We’re also bringing back an old favorite: Buddhist Hell. That’s right, instead of silence and nothingness, you’ll be locked inside a hoarder house trying to meditate while someone in the background constantly screams, “Don’t throw out those butter tubs, I can still use them!! Where’s my mason jar full of tiny doorknobs!!?”

I am an atheist and don’t believe in God or the afterlife, am I still able to go to hell?

Absolutely, we’ve got your covered! For atheists and agnostics we’ve prepared a really special treat. You will be going on a never-ending tour of the Ark Museum. From now until infinity you’ll discover the modern scientific wonders of the ancient Hebrew texts found in the book of Genesis, including how God put dinosaur bones in the ground to test our faith and why MTV and graffiti got you here in the first place. You’ll go room to room, being tortured in mind and spirit, before mercifully arriving at the gift shop, only to find that this leads straight back into the first room. The whole thing never ends, enjoy!

Thank you so much for your continued support as we strive to bring you the best in eternal damnation. We apologize for any inconvenience this glitch in the system may be causing and look forward to serving you in the new year!

Warm Regards,

Management