On the Blue Dress
4 years ago today I arrived at our wedding chapel in Jönköping Sweden, in a blue wedding dress. Having provided no explanation to my guests, I do so today.
For those who haven't seen the film Fiddler on the Roof, the context for this post is based on Tevye, an impoverished milkman, a leader in his Jewish community, husband to headstrong Golde, and the father of five daughters. He is faced with struggles to uphold the traditions of his people, especially through the marriages of his daughters.
This quote from Tevye is said just before the opening lines of the clip. Even if you have seen the film, I recommend watching this clip again as a refresher...just for an extra skip in your step today (feel free to fast forward the clip between 3:29-5:45)
Fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy uh? But here in our little village of Anatevka, you might say, every one of us is a fiddler on the roof. Trying to scratch out a pleasant simple tune without breaking his neck...it isn’t easy. You might ask, why do we stay up there if it's so dangerous? Well, we stay because Anatevka is our home...and how do we keep our balance?
Tradition!
There has always been something in my DNA that has led me to question and reject traditions that don't symbolize or align with my faith or the world I want to live in. Particularly those traditions we follow, just because. And we have quite a few of these, particularly around momentous events in our lives.
Weddings are full of such traditions.
I think it was after my 2nd or 3rd honorary role as a bridesmaid (there were 8), that I started to talk about the dissonance I was witnessing between what we claim we believe and what was being performed or practiced.
Why are fathers still giving away their daughters? I asked one of my girlfriends.
She replied with an element of annoyance, Lisa, stop questioning everything…your poor father!
My poor father indeed, I didn't think of that. I went home and asked him if he would be offended over not giving me away, to which he replied somewhat aghast, of course not, Swedes don't do that. And Swedes, do everything right, so we could just end this post here.
But let's not. Even if my dad wasn't Swedish, and even though my friend was right, these questions are tiresome; they are nonetheless important to ask.
Why do some men (more common in some countries than others) still ask the father for permission to marry?
Why just the father and not the mother?
Knowing that a white dress historically represents a woman's purity as equated to her virginity why do women still wear it...especially if they have been living with their partners for some time?
And what about these diamond rings? Why do we continue to insist on these when we know the industry is so bloody corrupt?
After all, we humans live our lives out of narratives. Traditions pass these narratives to future generations that inform them about who they are and to whom they belong.
Some say they follow these traditions as a way to honor their parents. If this is so, then we must ask, what does it mean to honor our parents? Are we called to maintain harmony at all costs, avoid hurt feelings and not shake the boat?
While honoring our parents was mandated by Moses in the Ten Commandments, Jesus reminds us that we first have a duty to our spiritual parents:
Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household. Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. -Matthew 10:32
A rather awkward verse to read literally, isn't it? But, Jesus' sayings must always be read in their context and not in isolation. Everything he teaches and does is contrary to a literal interpretation of this statement. In context, it is very much aligned with the mission of Jesus.
Peace in the Hebrew Old Testament is shalom, and in the Greek New Testament, it's eirene or εἰρήνη. These terms, which mean the same in both languages, don't refer to a state of harmony, but rather to a form of human flourishing in the context of their beliefs about the end of days. See my post On Why Yahweh isn't going to stop the war in Ukraine, to understand more about first-century Jewish expectations for the end of days.
The concept of Peace, or Eirene εἰρήνη, is used approximately 92 times in 85 verses throughout the New Testament.
When Peter took out his sword and cut off the ear of the guard to defend Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus lost it. Was he more upset about his upcoming crucifixion or the fact that Peter was still missing the bloody point...either way, he shouted (of this I'm certain) so that the echo of his words would be heard loud and clear from generation to generation...
Put.it.away! All who draw the sword will die by the sword!
In this context, he is referring to weapons of any kind. But the sword of Matt 10:32, I did not come to bring peace, but a sword, he is referring to the really good news about Yahweh's Shalom being already present in our midst, for those who are courageous enough to take hold of it.
It is true, that Jesus didn't bring shalom. The good news Jesus is revealing is that shalom, or the period and time for Yahweh's reign and human flourishing, is already here! Those who take hold of it may find themselves abandoned by their blood-ties who function under the powers and principalities of the domination system.
There will be division in relationships. The world will not be harmonious. There will be pushback, especially within families. Expect it.
Sure?
Despite what many political and religious groups would have us believe; Jesus doesn’t have a lot of good to say about the way we have organized our traditional family systems.
Walter Wink shows us examples of how Jesus renounces the family as constituted by patrilineal bloodlines.
When his mother and brothers come to get him, deeply concerned that he was disgracing the family (a normal thing to be concerned about in honor/shame cultures); Jesus refuses to go out to them—instead, he turns his back on the blood-tie between them.
Who are my mother and my brothers? And looking at those who sat around him, he said, Here are my mother and brothers! Whoever does the will of Yahweh is my brother and sister and mother (Mark 3:21, 31-35)
Instead, Jesus offers us an alternative: a new family, made up of those who are linked, not by the blood-tie, but by doing Yahweh’s will.
Did you see the deliberate omission of the father (also found in Mark 10: 29-30)? In the new family of Jesus, there are only children, no patriarchs.
Call no one your father on earth, for you have one Father—the one in heaven. (Matt 23:9).
When was the last time you heard a sermon on this passage? So preposterous is this idea in domination societies, these teachings are shoved to the back of the filing cabinet in a dusty file labeled ‘those times his mother and brothers were right to be alarmed.'
Yet, scholar Elisabeth Schussler Fiorenza tells us,
The “Father” God of Jesus makes possible the “sisterhood of men.”
The Father metaphor for Yahweh does not legitimize patriarchal structures, but instead, Yahweh as our Father and Holy Spirit as our Mother; both separate and the same, critically subverts all structures of domination.
In this light, it begins to make sense why Jesus rejects the concept of the son of David as Messiah (Mark 12:35). While Jesus may indeed have been of Davidic descent, he never appeals to it. In Mark 2:23-28 where one would have expected him to argue along bloodlines from the authority of David to that of the son of David, he shifts abruptly to the son of man.
Again, Jesus renounces the family as constituted by patrilineal bloodlines.
Then in violation of a religious duty known to every culture, Jesus tells a man to leave his dying father’s side, to ignore the filial obligation to see his burial, and to follow him immediately (Luke 9:59-60/Matt 8:21-22).
Why?
Who is often the first person to attempt to squelch any act of courage, defiance, or revolt?
A family member? Usually.
Our families are so deeply enmeshed in the values of the powers and principalities (domination) that one's flesh and blood will often betray them rather than see society’s values jeopardized.
A brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death -Mark 13:12-
***
What does this mean for us today?
Human beings will always be born to biological families with mothers and yes, fathers too. But, in the words of Mary Daly, neither the brothers nor the sisters can claim the authority of the Father (or the Mother) as that involves claiming authority and power reserved for Yahweh (and the Spirit) alone.
Radical discipleship should never show callous disregard for parents, spouses, or children (see Mark 7:9-13, Mark 10:1-12, Mark 10:13-16).
The family is not intrinsically evil. Like every Power, it is created by Yahweh, and it is holy and good. Yet, it is also fallen. And that which is fallen is capable of redemption.
Yet, families must be critiqued and challenged. This is a function that is performed by the new family established by Jesus.
Who are they?
All those who grab hold of Yahweh's shalom here and now, committing to a nonpatriarchal community of mutuality and love.
In light of all of this, when it came to our wedding, we too wanted to honor our parents, so we asked both of them, mother's included, to speak a blessing over us. Nothing more, nothing less. There were a few other intentional changes we made ...one being my blue dress.
You may ask, how did this tradition get started? I'll tell you!... I don't know. But it’s a tradition!
Oh Tevye, if only you had Google!
The practice of the white dress likely traces back more than 2,000 years, to ancient Rome when brides wore a white tunic. The color white represented purity symbolizing both a woman’s virginity and her transition to a married Roman matron. It was picked up again by the British monarchy at a later date, and here we are today.
Yet, in Roman culture, just like many other cultures in the world today, the family was deeply embedded in patriarchy and served as the fortress of male dominance. Women (and children) were viewed as property by their fathers. Her virginity was an asset that could be bought and sold. In this society, men were regarded as endowed with the inalienable right to beat, rape, and verbally abuse their wives.
The systems that held up these powers, were the very same that killed Jesus.
After all, they couldn’t have him walking around unmasking the system that maintained their positions of power.
Therefore, when it was my turn to walk down the aisle, I had to ask; do these beautiful white wedding gowns tell the story of who I am and to whom I belong?
...Or is it indeed just one of the ways I keep my balance...of scratching out a pleasant simple, albeit romantic, tune without breaking my neck, while I live a life that I wasn't created for.
Without our traditions, our lives would be as shaky as the fiddler on the roof!
Some traditions are indeed the balance that keeps us from falling off the roof. But what if the fiddler isn't meant to be on the roof in the first place?
After all, roofs are for cats, not humans.
***
Did you or your spouse wear a white wedding gown?
I write this post knowing that almost every woman I know and love, showed up in white on her wedding day.
Therefore, I write to ask you to reflect on this;
To whom do you belong?
I write to remind you;
Our traditions tell our story and shape how we live.
I write to encourage you;
The white gown has its own redemption story
In Yahweh's kingdom, fine white garments have nothing to do with a bride’s purity as the domination system defines it.
No. In Yahweh’s kingdom, it is a mark of the work the Holy Spirit and the work She continues to do in us; changing our hearts, breathing life, and transforming us into the humans we were created to be.
Blue or white, may our traditions be a guidepost to the One who points the way to Shalom.
It was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure— for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. - Rev 19:8
References
Daly, Mary, Beyond God the Father: Towards a Philosophy of Women's Liberation p.119
Schüller Fiorenza, Elizabeth: In Memory of Her 119, 341, 356, 358, 362
Wink, Walter, Engaging the Powers: Discernment and Resistance in a World of Domination page location 1717-1753, kindle edition.
Image by Javiermirapeidro from Pixabay