It’s not something people like to think about, but have you considered who will deliver your eulogy? Perhaps you’ve dabbled in writing up a will, purchasing life insurance, or cleaning out your hoarder house so the kids don’t have to. These are all good, but when it comes to end of life preparations, nothing is more important than who will tell your story and which version of your story they’ll tell.

If you’re thinking to yourself, “What’s the big deal? I’ll just have one of my family members or a close friend give the eulogy…” let me strongly discourage you from going that route.

Sure, friends and family may say they love you now, but who knows how they’ll feel on your special day? Your recently widowed wife may have a change of heart and decide to tell the truth about you, God forbid. Or your sarcastic grandson, who has aspirations of being in the entertainment industry, may use the gathered crowd as an opportunity to showcase his talents. Even your oldest friend Jimmy, after a few preservice whiskeys, could become a huge liability behind the mic. People are prone to say anything, which is a totally unnecessary risk that should be mitigated.

And don’t say, “Well, I’ll just get the local priest or rabbi to deliver the eulogy.” Are you kidding me? These women and men of the cloth have tortured the general public long enough with their laborious speeches and seemingly never ending bloviations from the pulpit. How many times can people be told “he leadeth me beside still waters” before they’re all checking phones for updates on the game? Remember, your funeral is NOT ABOUT YOU, it’s about the people who are socially obligated to attend out of politeness. Therefore, it is in the best interests of all parties involved that the eulogy be clear, succinct, and entertaining - criteria which most, if not all, professional clergy are unable to meet.

There are best practices for a funeral to keep in mind as well. Obviously, we are not telling when you can or cannot die. Feel free to pass away at your leisure, at a time and place that works with your schedule. However, it is common courtesy to hold your funeral on a Friday morning between 8am and 10am. This considerate scheduling allows guests to attend whilst having an extra half day tacked onto their weekend. Please avoid holding your funeral on a Saturday afternoon, especially between August and January, when it is above 70 degrees outside, or if one of the local professional sport clubs is in a playoff chase. Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean the rest of us shouldn’t live!

The secret to being remembered well is a post mortem spokesperson who can shine a real turd into diamonds. And right now for the very low price of $989.99, plus lodging and airfare, you can book your very own professionally delivered eulogy. This is a limited time offer to have your loved ones and their overly supportive acquaintances laugh, cry, mourn, and say “Wow I never knew he was such a great guy!” Don’t wait til the last minute to book a top-level eulogy deliverer. Spots fill up quickly, so reserve today!

Planning Your Funeral