Snakes On A Plane

It goes without saying that we’ve all seen the movie Snakes on a Plane, one of the most important pieces of film made in the last 35 years. At its release, it was way ahead of its time and the makers of the movie dared to boldly tell a story that many lacked the moral fortitude to do.

The title Snakes on a Plane is also the premise, plot and synopsis of the film. The movie stars Samuel L. Jackson, who clearly sold his soul to play the lead role. He is already a caricature, but here he plays a caricature of his caricature.

The signature line from the movie “There’s motherf****n snakes on this motherf****n plane!” is a deep and poetic expression of the existential trials and setbacks we face during our far too short lives.

Basically, the plot is a group of young and unencumbered tourists are traveling on a long flight to some exotic destination where they will spend endless uninterrupted hours on a beach or sipping umbrella cocktails in a wicker chair. However, some unthinking scientist has put boxes of large poisonous snakes into a shipping container stored down in the cargo hold. When the airplane hits turbulence, the snakes break loose and spend the rest of the movie slithering around the main cabin biting and killing people, until Samuel shows up to save the day.

Come think of it, the movie was not as good as I remember. Or maybe it was one of those pieces that’s so bad, it loops back around on the other side to become awesomely genius. It belongs in the same dollar bin with movies like ‘Sharknado’, all of Steven Seagal’s movies, and ‘The Notebook’.

Ironically, I watched Snakes on a Plane many years ago while on a plane. I was heading somewhere fun to tan my cheeks and needed a distraction for the plane ride. Alone time wasn’t so much at a premium then.

We traveled light in those days: “backpacking” I believe it was called. In our youth and to save money we sought out hardship. Let’s save $60 on this flight by taking a redeye, or instead of booking a hotel for the night, let’s sleep on a well-lit bench in the baggage check at Bangkok International Airport.

Now we no longer seek out hardship in our travels. With two young kids, we come through the airport loaded down like a caravan of camels from 1001 Nights. Yet instead of carrying gold and rubies worth thousands of dinars to a faraway sultan, our baggage is loaded with animal crackers and changing pads, diapers, car seats, coloring books, wipes, headphones and hooter hiders, snacks, snacks and more snacks.

We are a traveling circus, a spectacle for all to behold as we pass through the security line. We pull all electronic devices out of our bags and take off our shoes. They pat us down for bombs, but when was the last time you saw a terrorist go undercover with two small children? Even suicide bombers have their limits.

Through the terminal of the airport, cats being herded, down to check-in, onto the skywalk, into the plane and arriving at 41 A, B, and C. This is the back section of the plane where they stuff you out of sight from those first-class mimosa sippers. Seated in our row, we’re ready to settle in and let out a deep exhale.

But that’s when the kids start biting you – like snakes on a plane. They’re hungry, they’re bored. How many minutes until we arrive? Where are we going? Why are we going there? Did you know Simba’s dad died recently? He was killed by wildebeests, it was sad. What’s this magazine in the seatback? Why won’t the tv work? I like this tray table! Why can’t I play with the tray table!? Who cares that the person in front of me can feel it! More tray table!!  Ok, I’ll stop…. I want a snack.

The plane takes off, we (they) eat a snack. 65% of it falls on the ground. The floor of the cabin looks like the cheap seats at Tiger’s Stadium, refuse and debris strewn about. A profound lack of respect.

You’re done with you snack? Great, wipe your hands off. Use a wipe! My shirt isn’t a stack of paper towels from the rib shack! Why the long face? Do you have to go potty? We’re all going potty. You don’t have to go? You do have to go… Ok, everybody’s going.

(Dramatic music begins to play in the background)

There’s an explosion on the plane!

Not an explosive explosion like in the movies, more like an explosion of poop. It’s all up the side of the baby. It’s everywhere and spreading! Hurry to the back of the plane, you don’t have much time!

We’re pushing our way towards the back, this motley crew, this traveling circus. We rush past people asleep listening to their headphones. They’re unaware of the drama that’s unfolding.

Get in the bathroom. Lock the door. Turns out they have changing tables in here. Lay the baby down, assess the situation.

There’s been a dreadful accident- AN ERUPTION OF POO!!

Do you hear what I’m trying to tell you!!?

THERE ARE motherf****n SNAKES ON THIS motherf****n PLANE PEOPLE!!