Professionally observing humans for many years has taught me to spot certain patterns. When you can recognize what’s going on, and know what’s going to happen, it takes the scariness out of an otherwise confusing situation. So hopefully something written here can make your life a little bit easier.

A manipulative person doesn’t walk around with a glowing neon sign over their head telling you to beware. You can’t identify them by how they look, but when you interact with them you know how you feel. You’ll find yourself exhausted and tense despite having a seemingly friendly conversation. Maybe you’ve agreed to do something you really don’t want to do, or you’ve given up something that you wanted to keep for yourself. You might apologize for things that weren’t your fault or be filled with self-doubt and guilty feelings without knowing why. Time with this person feels disorienting and you may later regret your missteps during the interaction.

However, for all the drama that often swirls around them, a highly manipulative person is boring in their predictability. Charm, intimidate, guilt trip, beg, and rage. You could write these five phases down on a sheet of paper and play a game where you try to identify which of the five they are doing at the moment.

They want to control you and get what they want. And each time you refuse to play along, tell them ‘no’ and set boundaries, they’ll switch tactics, thereby moving along to the next of the five phases.

CHARM

The first tactic is to charm and this charismatic outer layer is what’s seen by the majority of other people. The highly manipulative person is easy going and talkative. If they are a person in leadership they may make overt gestures to outwardly display humility. “They’re not the boss, they just work here.” But deep down they want everyone to like them and reiterate how special they are.

In the beginning the person may shower you with flattery and praise. You are seemingly the best and most exciting person they have come into contact with in a long time. These relationships often move at warp speed. You go from stranger to best friend in little to no time at all.

This initial phase is sweet and enjoyable. For that reason, it will later be dangled in front of you as a reward for letting them get their way. I’ve heard so many people in counseling say about their partner “when it was good, it was SO good.” But that’s the problem, it’s often not good but terrible. And the price of harmony in the friendship or romantic relationship is giving the highly manipulative person total control.

INTIMIDATE

In the second phase the cracks in the relationship begin to show. The façade of charming, easygoingness comes down as the person begins to flex and make no-so-subtle hints towards their immense power. They will try to make you afraid and put you in your place. If they yell at you or scold you, and in your confusion, you don’t fight back immediately, they’ll take it as permission to put you down again.

They will violate your boundaries and never consider it a problem. The things you have for yourself – your time, your energy, your thoughts and wants – they will assume are there for them to enjoy. It won’t occur to them that you have desires as well, and the longer you sit around waiting for them to ask “what you want” the more frustrated and hopeless you’ll become.

With the charming phase still in recent memory, they will dangle that in one hand, while in the other hand is verbal, physical, mental, even sexual violence. They always hold the possibility of erupting before you, though they won’t actually pull it out until the later phases. Instead, the prospect of attacking you is wielded as a constant threat.

GUILT TRIP

In this phase, perhaps you’ve started to come to your senses a little bit. You are no longer so unclear about what’s going on and you’ve gathered some inner resources in an attempt to push back against the person’s manipulation. The person senses this and therefore also switches their approach to you.

I call this the ‘guilt trip’ phase but really it has many manifestations. The person will try to muddle the issue at hand and divert to other topics. If they sense that with the topic at hand they truly are at fault, then perhaps they’ll bring up some issue from the past where you were to blame. While overall, they may be totally in the wrong, they’ll find tiny flaws in what you’re trying to say and lock onto those instead.

If in fact they are at fault in any way, they’ll make you feel bad for not being supportive enough. They might possibly be to blame, but deeper down, really, you’re the one to blame. You should’ve been there for them, should’ve reminded them of something, or not been so “judgmental” of them.

At the end of the day, it’s all just a method to get what they want out of you. If you continue to refuse, to say ‘no’, and to set boundaries, the interaction will move along to the next phase.

BEG

At this stage, the person makes themselves very helpless and pathetic. Suddenly you’re the only one who can help them and you feel immense pressure because of the gravity of the situation. You are now all that stands between this person and a total disaster in their life. Their life and future are in your hands. The outcome of their actions and decisions are no longer on them, but totally on you.

If you’ve said no to them before, they may disappear from your life for months on end. They will go completely missing, only to suddenly reappear out of the blue with a life-threatening crisis that requires your immediate and total attention.

What will you do? Surely, you can say yes just this once? Don’t you love them and care about them? Please don’t leave, for if you do they’ll be sure to self-destruct.

Maybe at this point they will concede some mistakes. They may even make a half-hearted apology*

*(note: during the apology they’ll remind you how magnanimous they are for apologizing at all, as well as inserting a few more barbs against you. Examples: “Even though you [insert blame], I’m sorry for [x].” OR Instead of apologizing for what they did, they apologize for how you feel. “I’m sorry you’re mad that I [x].”)

Even coming close to admitting wrongdoing is a heavy psychological price for the person to pay, but it is still worth the cost if they’ll finally be able to get you to do what they want.

It is very difficult to continue to draw boundaries when you reach this phase. If you still say ‘no’ and stand up to the person, you are releasing them to experience the consequences of their actions. This can involve tremendous pain, as the person, despite their manipulation, may be a loved one or close family member. What is harder than seeing a person you care about suffer from self-inflicted wounds? It also could potentially spell the end of your relationship with them.

RAGE

In this final phase, the person has exhausted all options for controlling you and getting what they want. Now, they finally realize that they won’t be able to get their way. It is often the case that they will then display a child-like temper tantrum, that when acted out by an adult is truly terrifying.

They will rage against you and throw anything and everything your way that has the potential for harm. One is gross exaggeration about your history together. They’ve known from the very beginning that you never loved or cared about them. Or if it’s a family member, they might drudge up some old memories from decades ago.

There may be outright lies and illogic, a total rewriting of past events that include details that never actually happened. They’ll attack you on your religion, your gender, your race, your nationality, probing for any spot where a wound can be inflicted. There might be some truth in what they say, or maybe there’s no truth in it at all. It doesn’t matter either way, those are truths to ponder for another day, because what the person is not talking about is the issue at hand.

In the end, it might turn nasty. They’ll swear at you, curse you, tell you in a coarse manner what a no-good, low-down piece of horse sh*t you are. Then they’ll violently hang up the phone or storm out of the room, slamming the door behind them. Because they can’t stick around to sit with and consider their own behavior. They’ve got to get out of there, and go somewhere to take their mind off of things.

It won’t be long before they find someone else to talk to and be charming with. Then the whole process starts all over again.

The Five Phases of a Highly Manipulative Person