You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies.

-Psalm 23:5

HEAVEN

Right after you die, you’ll wake up in a brightly colored meadow, the air crisp and perfect, the sun warming your face. Birds will be gently singing and there will be fresh fallen leaves on the grass. Just in the distance you’ll see a beautiful house with immaculate lawns and fountains. You’ll walk towards the house, feeling lighter and lighter as you approach the front door. An overwhelming feeling of serenity will pervade your entire being, gradually growing, until you are in a state of total bliss.

Walking up to the door, you’ll knock and it will be opened by a person with the kindest face you’ve ever seen. This person’s eyes will look deep into your soul, but not scare you. They’ll know you and love you deeply. Their entire presence fills you with joy and they gaze at you with a familiar broad smile, one you’ve always known even though you’re meeting them for the first time.

This person is God, the one who knit you in your mother’s womb, the one who was there in the beginning and is now here on the day you’ve died.

“Come,” says God, “I’ve prepared a place for you.” You follow God into the house and notice delicious smells filling the space. As God leads you towards the large dining room where a banquet is about to begin, the murmur of voices from the other party guests grows louder. Through a pair of ornate double doors, you follow God to your spot at the glorious, eternal banquet.

That’s when you notice who is sitting in the seat next to you. It’s your asshole neighbor, the one whom you silently despise. He always parks his boat too close to your driveway so you have trouble pulling out in the morning. His dog poops in your front yard and this bozo NEVER picks it up! He has dumb yard signs in front of his house, which broadcast his moronic opinions to the entire block.

“Here you are, the place I’ve prepared,” says God, motioning to the beautiful place setting on the table. You sit down, and give your neighbor a curt, fake smile. “Hey! You’re here….good to see you!!”

He smiles back at you.

What a phony.

As you look around the table, it doesn’t get much better. Sure, the meal looks amazing and the decorations are beautiful beyond description. But the other guests who’ve been invited are all people you hate. Uncle Bill is here, you haven’t talked to him in years after you two stopped speaking. Osama Bin Laden is sitting next to Nancy Pelosi, who is just across the table from a few people in New England Patriots jerseys. And there’s tons of family members and co-workers seated around the table, all of them just horrible folks. How on earth did they make it into heaven??

There are also a lot of people whom you’ve never met, but they make you uncomfortable. The kind of folks you probably did your best to ignore, overlook, or avoid back when you were alive. You may not have a specific issue with any of them, but their very presence fills you with an unnameable anxiety.

For many, heaven will feel like a tense and uncomfortable holiday dinner, but EVEN WORSE.

Luckily, there will be lots of wine to get you through. God, who is apparently the cook, the server, and the holy host will keep coming back to your table and refilling your glass. There will be many, many courses to this dinner - appetizers, soups, salads, fruit, main course, dessert, and even more. It’s a slow moving meal, endless in fact. And you just eat, and chat, and slowly try to make it through dinner with people you can’t stand, who are nothing at all like you.

HELL

Hell on the other hand…well the most important thing to know about hell is this: it is INCREDIBLY convenient and comfortable!

You also wake up in a meadow and walk to a house and go inside. There are also people there, but the difference is, it’s a bunch of people you’re excited to see. Surely this must be heaven, everyone here thinks like you, looks like you, acts like you. You’re obviously a member of the elect, the chosen, the remnant of folks of who made it to the end.

So there’s no need for a banquet, no need for conversation. Why bother? You’re all on the same page anyhow. And besides ya’ll are STARVING by this point. And you’re tired. I mean, who has time to cook and enjoy a meal, especially right after you just finished dying?

You decide to have food delivered to the house and watch a movie instead. This mansion you’re in has a theater down in the basement where you all sit down in rows to watch a movie. Every person has their own TV tray and recliner chair. The food arrives, the movie begins.

It’s nice, very entertaining and relaxing. No one is really talking, but it doesn’t matter because this is what you like to do together. You eat your carry out dinners on TV trays and watch this cinematic masterpiece. The meal is something, which though unhealthy, is accessible and gratifying - like chicken tenders and fries, or greasy deep-dish pizza. You eat and eat, and watch and watch, the screen of the television bathing you in mystic blue light. How wonderful! Surely this is heaven!

As the evening continues, some people get up from their trays and leave the party. They go home to be in their own recliners, which are more comfortable and convenient anyhow. One by one, they all trickle out, each one heading to his or her own mansion in the afterlife. Before you know it, you’re the only one left.

After the movie ends, other programs begin to appear on the TV screen - sports, soap operas, reality TV, dramas. Days and years and decades pass, you continue to sit, silently watching and eating the carry out meals being delivered to your basement.

Endless eternity continues to unfold, and after eons of comfort and convenience you lose all power and ability to step away from the direction you’ve chosen. You can no longer climb out of the chair and stand up, let alone choose to leave the basement and TV screen. In this place of isolation and darkness, it has become your only source of light.

The normal TV shows have long ceased broadcasting. All that appears now on the screen are messages specially tailored to tell you what you want to hear. They tell narratives of how you are special, chosen for a preordained task. You possess knowledge that no one else has access to. The screen speaks of how you’ve been wronged, but as the hero of this journey you will overcome it all through continuing to watch and listen to the TV’s messages.

You have grown cold, intolerant, and isolated. Formed, or rather deformed, by the power of hell, you are no longer capable of eating at the tense and uncomfortable holiday dinner of the lamb.

“If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!”

-Matthew 6:23

The Tense and Uncomfortable Holiday Dinner of the Lamb