Why a Civil War is unlikely…

Let’s start with the fact that a Civil War is a TON of work! I mean, you have to go down to the place, and put on one of those uniforms (they’re VERY itchy and uncomfortable), as well as do things like pushups, standing in a line, and climbing ropes and nets and stuff.

Maybe we should just abandon the whole idea. Cause you won’t be able to sleep in on the weekends during the Civil War, and get this, I heard the military actually expects you to be ON TIME to all their meetings! There is ZERO wiggle room guys, you can’t stroll in per usual at 9:06 with a Venti Americano two pumps of Pumpkin Spice Room for Whipped Cream in hand. I heard they yell at you for that kind of thing, or at the very least give you a dirty look. It’s very unpleasant!

Now look, I know we had a Civil War before and some of you may have even been to one of these Civil War reenactments. And based on those reenactments it might seem like a good idea to go ahead and make a sequel because often these old-timey actors seem passionate even about what they’re working on. But believe me, times have changed a ton since then.

First of all, the original Civil War was fought so they wouldn’t have to pay their housekeepers, farmhands, and babysitters. They were quite literally fighting FOR their laziness. And what could be more galvanizing than that?

But in this upcoming Civil War, we’d be fighting AGAINST laziness. We’d be fighting for this thing called “democracy” and let’s be honest who really has time for that? I mean, where would I possibly find the time in my busy schedule to go fight in the backwoods of Tennessee when I couldn’t even get to the polling station and vote in the primary?

And also, if I remember correctly, the original Civil War was fought in the 1800s. Guys, when I tell you they had NOTHING going on back then, whew…that is no exaggeration.

I mean, they harvested crops and stuff, and had to milk the cows once a week, but other than that they were SUPER unoccupied.

So they had time for a Civil War. But now’s not a good time for me to make a commitment like that. The NFL regular season just started, looks like the Lions finally fixed their secondary, and the Tigers are on a little run here late in the season. I basically can’t say one way or the other if I’d be available to fight in a Civil War next month, it’s going to be a game time decision.

But I’d definitely love to try and be there, can you put me down as a “maybe”?

Why a Civil War is unlikely...