Body Shots

Kidney shots. Lung shots. Body shots. Young kids never come out swinging for your head. They’re not going to knock you out with a haymaker to the skull or a vicious uppercut under the jaw. No, they wear you down and wear you out. Just bit by bit, just body shots. 

In the early rounds, you won’t likely feel their effect. You keep your elbows close to the ribs, get everything low and remember to rotate. Put your defense in between their offense and your body.

To them you are Google and ChatGPT rolled into one, with the added pressure that your responses may screw them up for life. Why are there clouds? Is Bluey a boy? Where are you going? What are you doing? Can I come with you? What are you looking at? What’s this? What’s that? How come? And why? 

They can’t look it up! It’s all on your shoulders.

It is this barrage of questions that pushes you up against the ropes and into the corner. As soon as one lands another is coming right behind it. You do your best to dodge and deflect, bob and weave, but they just keep coming. Boom boom boom. 

They chip away at you by asking questions that make no sense. Why is there Tuesday? How come I’m not a dinosaur? They mix in a few more penetrating blows - questions that make TOO much sense. What are you watching? A TV show. Can I watch it? No. Why? Kids can’t watch shows with bad language. How come adults can watch shows with bad language? Because adults are in no way affected by the things we see on TV and in social media, as is evidenced by our collective behavior these past 5 years, now if you need me Daddy is going to go to his room to reflect on the life choices he’s made. 

Body shots do not have to be coherent statements or questions either. Just muddy the waters, gum up the works, drag your opponent into a damn street fight, that’s the tactic of body shots. It’s constant noise and misdirection. Singing one random line from a song over and over and over and over. Repeat words that don’t exist, incessantly hum for no clear reason. Make noises from long extinct animals no one’s ever heard of. 

By the late afternoon you feel like you’re ten rounds in. You go back to your corner to sit on that little stool. Your imaginary Italian trainer is screaming in your ear “Keep your hands up out there, you’re getting clobbered! Whatsdamatta with you!?” You take a sip of water from that bottle with the long straw. Your face is puffy and slightly bleeding. They take one of those large frozen coins and place it over your blackened eye. You gargle the water and then spit some blood into a nearby bucket. The trainer is now rubbing your shoulders “You got this, just don’t panic and get back out there!” 

(DING) 

You stagger back into the ring. They hit you with a few light jabs. Body shots. 

Like spacing out their hits, waiting til the exact moment you sit down to ask for something on the other side of the house they can’t reach. Or interrupting your train of thought so much that you’ll have the mind of a 95 year old at the age of 40. And that’s one of the most troubling costs of parenting: severe brain damage. It wasn’t talked about for many years, though luckily new research studies are shining light on the brain damage epidemic in parents of young children that was swept under the rug for so long.

You’re late into the match and all those tiny body shots they’ve landed are starting to pay dividends. You’re sluggish and weary. They mix it up, begin deploying new strategies. Like random acts of madness. Here is a stack of coasters, wouldn’t it be interesting to throw them everywhere and see what happens?

The heavy blows in the late rounds are difficult to weather. The accumulation of micro-resistances. We’re leaving, put your shoes on. No. Put your shoes on or I’m leaving without you…. Ok bye I’m leaving. DONT LEAVE!!!!! Then put your shoes on! No… Ok forget it, I’m leaving bye. DONT LEAVE I WANNA GO. Then put your shoes on! Ok… 

…Do you need help? 

NO!!!! 

….Ok I need help….

God bless them, they want to be independent so badly. And like the new intern at the office, they are highly eager and mostly incompetent. Their enthusiasm requires a lid, it requires being carried with two hands instead of one. 

It requires focusing on what you're doing, not the bird outside the window, as well as ample stacks of tissues, wipes, paper towels and washcloths. These are for the micro-messes, another form of body shots. The noodle in the vent, the sourceless stickiness on the top of the bookshelf. 

By now it is the final round and you’re just trying to hold on. It’s unlikely you will win this match, but who knows? Perhaps the judges will score you favorably. They don’t want to leave it to the judges, so they’re going as hard as possible for the late round knockout. This, counterintuitively, requires bedtime delay. I need my water. You have your water. I need my bear. Where is your bear? I don’t know, let's go find it! (5 minutes later the bear is located). Ok you’ve got your bear, now lay down and go to sleep. I need to go to the bathroom. You already went to the bathroom. I REALLY NEED TO GO NOW!! (goes to the bathroom) …. I can’t go….. 

(CLICK. CLICK. CLICK) You hear the ten second warning. Almost to the end.

Ok, go to sleep now. Tuck me in. Ok you’re tucked in. Other blanket. Ok here’s the other blanket. You’re all good now. Have a good night! 

You rush towards the bedroom door.

(DING) You made it to the end and survived! You head out to the living room and call for your spouse whose name is Adrian. “Adrian! Adrian!” 

Parenting is a primitive and brutal, yet beautiful sport. Why anyone would do it is beyond me, yet some are mysteriously drawn to the ring. 

Now watch this video below for some key parenting techniques.