Are you tired? Depleted? Physically and mentally crumbling? Do you ever feel that you’re experiencing early warning signs for dementia because your children asked you nine hundred questions before lunchtime? Have you gotten a charlie horse from just sitting in a chair drinking wine and does the inside of your vehicle look like an IED filled with crackers exploded?

We all know that parenting is like fighting muggers in an alley. With one kid you’ve got him on the ground and are pounding on him. With two kids, his partner steps from the shadows and smashes a trash can over your head. That’s why you need Five Hour Dad.

Five Hour Dad! The energy drink where another man comes to your house and parents your children for five hours while you do whatever you want!

Five Hour Dad comes in a variety of different flavors, try one today! Like Five Hour “Hardass” Dad – a hint of pineapple and mango along with a father who is active military and will get your kids to stop talking back, clean their damn room and go do their homework!

Or try Five Hour “Loving” Dad – a zest of fresh ginger, ginseng, and a dad who will lovingly give your kids all the attention they endlessly craze. One sip of Five Hour Dad, he’ll appear, to listen with gusto to your six-year old’s 45 minute description of his Pokémon cards while you play fantasy football on your phone!

This energy drink is so great, just listen to what satisfied customers are saying about Five Hour Dad:

“My daughter Mackenzie had her preschool graduation ceremony and instead of an evening of having to pretend that’s a real thing, I drank beer at an arcade for adults.”

-Bill, Ogden, Utah

“About halfway through the can I started to feel lighter…younger…less encumbered. A couple minutes later another guy shows up to watch my kids and I went out for the evening to see some friends.”

-Mufasa, Pride Rock, Africa

“You don’t even have to be a dad to drink Five Hour Dad!”

-Laurie, Detroit, Michigan

But wait there’s more! Much more! From the makers of Five Hour Dad, comes Five Hour Mom, Five Hour Husband, Five Hour Boyfriend, and Five Hour Wife!

Need a little break from the conversation? The strong, bold, and emotionally-attuned flavor of Five Hour Husband will make her feel like she’s having tea with her therapist. Or maybe he’s filling the house with the moronic and droning sounds of televised professional football… let Five Hour Wife take you back to a time when he was affectionate and still had hair!

Whatever the event or whatever the issue these Five Hour drinks are guaranteed to take you out of the present moment and give you the break you deserve.

Let’s face it, you can drink coffee until your eyes are about to pop. You can smash Monsters, Red Bulls, Frappuccino’s and still feel beleaguered. You need something more – you need the help of that benevolent stranger. Five Hour Dad – bring in a fresh dad for a minute!

Do not use Five Hour Dad if you are nursing, pregnant or have a heart condition. On sale now at a gas station, liquor store, or bait shop near you!

Five Hour Dad – please drink responsibly.