As a college freshman we all received a student guide that had the name, hometown, picture, and academic major of every person in our incoming class. We called it the Chicktionary.

Based on minimal information – Betsy Taylor, Tallahassee FL, Nursing – we would plot our romantic life together. Some of these girls we actually went on dates with.

Back then dating was guerilla warfare. You’d patrol the endless jungles of coffee shops, movie theatres, and fancy dinners trying to smoke out the real Betsy. You’d have to do real leg work, like asking them questions about how they grew up, who their friends were, what they liked and didn’t like. You had to meet family members and make judgements on whether it was a good idea to stick together or not. Yet it might be years or even decades before the real Betsy emerged from her hideout deep in the mountains to show you who she really was. What a terribly inefficient process!

Facebook changed the whole dating scene, because let’s not forget that long before Aunt Pattie and Uncle Bob joined FB, it was a dating app. Suddenly you could do a little amateur background check on Betsy to find out more information. There may have been a few incriminating red flags based on her previous posts and that saved a whole lot of time and heartache.

But that will all seem rudimentary compared to what’s coming.

***

Dating in a few years will mostly be like the movie Minority Report. A little ball engraved with your name on it rolls down the ramp and a little ball with their name rolls down an adjacent ramp. Congratulations! You’ve been Insta-matched!

What is InstaMatch? A little chip in your brain will be like the electronic Chicktionary times a million, hooked up to the internet and continuously scanning the interwebs looking for the love of your life. By 2030 everyone will have so many datapoints available online, that complex algorithms will be able to narrow down a successful match for you. Think of all the time and energy you’re going to save!

First dates will become obsolete, as there will be no need to get to know one another. Instead, a lifetime’s worth of the person’s information will have already been neatly organized and downloaded into your brain’s memory centers. Why would you sit around and discuss your passion for art over lattes, when you already know each other so well? That would be totally pointless, like an old married couple rehashing the same tired stories.

InstaMatch will streamline everything. You pick the day you want to fall in love and let the program do the rest. Want to experience the wasteful chaos of your twenties before settling down? No problem. Set your InstaMatch day to your thirtieth birthday and celebrate with your closest friends. On the morning of your birthday (in addition to all the well wishes from friends and online acquaintances) you’ll receive a notification about your new partner and instructions for what happens next.

InstaMatch will have already purchased plane tickets to a city on the West Coast where the person currently resides. They’ve also booked lunch at a nearby Asian Fusion restaurant (a cuisine you both greatly enjoy) where you can celebrate and go over some details for your new life together. Though truthfully, there won’t be a whole lot to discuss on that end – their life’s details, personality profile, family background, credit score, medical history, genetic information, and projected life trajectory will have already been downloaded to your mind in the blink of an eye. Instead of worrying about all that, I’d say take a break on the flight over: watch an inflight movie or have some snacks.

Upon arrival in the city your new partner will be waiting for you at baggage claim with a bouquet of flowers. These flowers are completely pointless, but I guess some people have a hard time letting go of old-world habits. You two will embrace with the familiarity of a golden couple.

On the way to the restaurant, you’ll mostly ride in silence. The fact that you two aren’t talking isn’t a big deal, after all what is there to say? When you know someone so well, sometimes it’s nice to just sit and be near them.

Lunch will be efficient.

Sure, you’ll be happy to have found one another and the waiter is likely to send over a complimentary champagne to celebrate your big day, but you’ll also need to get on with the business of the upcoming week. After dessert, you’ll head back to the home InstaMatch arranged for you to live in. (In the time it took the two of you to slurp down soup noodles, this incredible program has gotten you preapproved for a mortgage, put a down payment down on a house, and had the keys to your dream home delivered to the restaurant with the check).

I’d say that was a pretty successful first date, wouldn’t you?

***

Perhaps you think the future of dating is dystopian and frightening. Don’t be foolish.

The divorce rate will be near 0% and almost everyone will live happily ever after. There will no longer be marriage covenants or civil contracts – the algorithm will be the only seal of approval we’ll need for people to be together.

What more could you really want?

With advanced technology, we’ll finally be able to cure the madness of romance – the heartbreak and breakups, the fights, the monotony, the guessing games and gaslighting. We can finally skip all the pain of love and get to the good stuff.

Long gone will be the days of Chicktionary bare bones intel, scouring the jungles looking for the real Betsy, all the time wondering if she’s a closet axe murderer or benzodiazepine addict.

Worry no longer, for the War of Love is about to reach a cease fire, and a permanent peace deal is just around the corner after that.