Killer Dolphins

My three year old blew the whistle on an issue that’s been kept hidden for a long time. She told me yesterday “Did you know that killer dolphins eat sharks?” 

“No….. why do they do that?” I asked. 

“I don’t know. That’s just what they do,” she replied.

It’s probably time to shed light on something none of us would like to think about, and that is the fact that dolphins are NOT NICE animals. Killer dolphins are a serious issue that most news outlets are not willing or unable to talk about. All the while, sharks are being victimized and blamed for an outsized number of bitings and eatings of humans.

By Our World in Data, Hannah Ritchie and Max Roser - https://ourworldindata.org/causes-of-death#deaths-by-animal, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=130583015

In fact, the entire discussion around frightening and bloodthirsty animals is distorted. We are force fed misinformation and biases meant to make us reach a predetermined outcome.  If we look at the above chart, we’ll start to see a clearer picture of who the world’s deadliest animals are. This is good data, from a rigorous website. The name of which I seem to recall is wiki something or another. Anyhow, it’s good. You can trust it. 

So, as you can see, mosquitoes are the deadliest. We all know this. I once heard a person describe their friend as “someone who wouldn’t hurt a fly”. Let me tell you they are a naive fool.

In this day and age we should be hurting flies and mosquitoes as much as we possibly can. We need to do damage and do it proactively. Because bugs are coming for you and you have the right (and duty) to defend yourself and those you love. 

Next down the list is “humans”, who are technically animals according to some. Having recently dined at Buffalo Wild Wings, a fine dining establishment in North America, I have come to believe the veracity of this humans-as-animals scientific theory.

And humans are killers, though they usually have a little help. And as we can all agree most people have their reasons, so we will dwell no further. 

At this point we get into the “secondary killers” like snakes (which often do their killing on planes), sandflies (that are known to also rummage through your beach bag while you’re out in the surf), and dogs (man’s best friend aka man’s worst enemy). Dogs are especially pertinent since many in the West have chosen to bring these murderous canines into their homes. If that is you, just know that your ninety pound snicker-poodle-doodle Mr. Twinkles is biding his time, eating dog chow day by day, lulling you into complacency, and waiting for his opportunity to murder you at the dog park one day when no one is looking. And don’t count on any of the other dogs saying something on your behalf, the dog community doesn’t rat each other out. 

From here we transition into the “tertiary deadly animals”, those who are more than proficient at spreading death but haven’t achieved fame in this realm yet. These are the animals who night after night travel around the country killing in obscurity: the freshwater snail, the kissing bug, ascaris roundworm, Tsetse fly, tapeworm, and even the slightly more embraced scorpion. Let me be clear, these are all high-level killers who for whatever reason just never broke through to stardom. It seems like climbing this list is about a lot more than just talent, there’s also an element of luck and who’s out there promoting your body of work. 

Finally, we arrive at the bottom of the list with more traditionally known animals like the hippo, crocodile, jellyfish, elephant, lion, bee, tiger, wolf, etc. These animals were dangerous at one point, no doubt. But now they’re kind of washed up and just resting back on their laurels and outsized reputations. For example, lions which are hailed as “king” of the jungle are in fact highly unmotivated animals. They lack hustle and determination. Tigers are not that dangerous, but everyone loves them because of the bright colors. Jellyfish are overrated - all hype and no substance. Bees are just annoying at this point, and old timers like elephants, hippos and wolves haven’t been relevant for EONS! 

All the while you have sharks down at the bottom, who are responsible for a measly four deaths a year. And while these deaths are lamentable, they were likely carried out by blind sharks who misunderstood what they were eating. It was an accident and mistakes were made. No carnivorous swimming death beast is one hundred percent. 

Notice however, who DIDN’T make the list. (No, not Canadian Geese - that’s a story for another day).

Dolphins. 

While we’re all distracted by the noise from the actors on this list, dolphins are silently operating in the background, pulling off one of the greatest cons in the history of the animal kingdom. 

So, be careful! Keep your eyes open and stay alert. No, they are not cute. No, they do not want you to pet them. No, that little clicking noise they make is not because they’re happy to see you. They’re sending out signals and we would be remiss to not show extreme caution. 

I’ve said this for many years, we are in a fight against Mother Nature. It’s time to put Earth in an arm bar and make her tap out once and for all. I suggest we begin with her errand boy of death and destruction - the Killer Dolphin.