Good afternoon first and second graders! Please line up and pay attention. Today in class we are going to be playing musical chairs. If you’ve never played musical chairs before let me briefly tell you the rules.

Everyone is going to stand in a circle with a chair in front of them. Now obviously there are plenty of chairs at our school. Believe me, if there’s one thing these old, underfunded schools have plenty of, it's folding metallic chairs hehehe.

Anyways, I’m going to take away Suzy’s chair now so that we are one chair short. Sorry Suzy, but hopefully you can do well for yourself when the game starts. Stay alert and work hard, I’ll bet your opportunity to sit in a chair will come sooner or later.

Okay, so when the music starts everyone walks in a circle around an insufficient number of chairs. I’ll be pausing the music intermittently. When the music stops you have to rush to sit down. If you can’t find a place to sit, then you’re out. Alright, those are the rules. Are you ready?

……..

…… Oh wait. Sorry haha I almost forgot. There’s a couple other rules. Or maybe they’re not “rules”. “Rules” sounds so harsh, so official and agreed upon. These are more like unspoken strategies or “the wisdom of the game”. We could even call these “common sense” or “the way the game is played”. Anyhow, if you do manage to make it a few rounds I’m sure you’ll be very happy, but also a little unsettled. It’s great having a chair and all, but what if something should happen? Wouldn’t you have so much more peace of mind if you had several chairs instead of one? So if you can, try to take several chairs instead of just one.

And yes, this will eliminate more of your classmates at a faster and more alarming rate. But don’t worry about them, they’ll be fine! Or if they aren’t fine they have no one to blame but themselves. They are lazy and unimaginative, they don’t work at the game like you have, so don’t be upset boys and girls. There may even be some of your classmates who for whatever reason - disability, background, unfamiliarity with musical chairs - aren’t as quick and nimble as you. They can’t get to the next chair so swiftly. That’s unfortunate but maybe you could send them a chair or two around the holidays to ease the awkwardness a bit.

Also, some of you may want couches instead of chairs. After all, couches are comfy and warm, these chairs are metallic, cold, and clang when you hit them. Bringing in a couch is not technically “allowed”, but it is permissible. Of course, your loser classmates who are already out of the game will whine and holler when they see you lounging on a sofa while they have to sit on the gym floor. That’s why in musical chairs it sometimes becomes necessary to move the game to another separate location, where you won’t be so heavily scrutinized for your excesses and you’ll not have the inconvenience of looking into the eyes of your classmates who are out. Let them play their miserable little game of musical chairs while you and a few trusted (and equally successful) friends sit in an undisclosed location and simply listen to relaxing music. There’s no need to get up and walk around at this point.

Take the copious amounts of chairs that you have acquired throughout the game and put them down in the school basement - if they’ll all fit down there! Pile them high, one on top of another, until your chair collection is bursting and falling all over itself. And if the losers start to question whether or not you’ve broken the rules, bribe a few of the students to advocate on your behalf. They can comb through the events that have transpired and present a compelling argument as to why you have technically been a model student. And any parts of musical chairs that have inordinately benefitted you were a gray area to begin with.

If that fails to placate your have-not classmates, bribe a few more students to be your bodyguards. The losers don’t have to agree with the game, but if they don’t play along they’ll get bullied and beaten up. That should straighten them out.

And finally, if you get the chance, just change the rules all together. Make them as confusing and convoluted as possible. Maybe write them in a language nobody speaks or jot them down with invisible ink. Have people sign off on them while the music is playing, while they’re moving and distracted. That way down the road you’ll be able to tell them THEY were the ones who agreed to the changes.

The music is going to stop, it always does. That’s just part of the game. The key is to make sure you’re covered. You can even go steal the few remaining chairs your classmates are circling in the gym. It’s not wrong.

Ok have fun children! I’m going to hit the music now.

How to Play Musical Chairs