Why reinvent the wheel?

I’ll tell you why, wheels are awful.

For too long wheels have been rolling unchecked, unquestioned, and unmonitored. At this point, wheels are in every home, every community, every country in the whole wide world. They dictate and dominate every aspect of our lives, from driving to work, to making pottery, to spinning for either a fortune or bankruptcy. They hold a near monopoly on low friction movement of heavy items and slow rolling of things we’re physically unable to pick up.

Our precious children are brainwashed from an early age about the value of wheels. They are told that wheels, whether they be of the “hot” variety or “pin” variety, are something worth spending money on and begging your parents for. They plead with us to sample the ferris variety.

The Wheel-Industrial Complex has even begun to make us eat our own wheels. Cheese wheels are now a common selection at high end grocery stores. Sadly, you may see those heavily propagandized individuals, folks who have lost all ability for critical thinking and independent thought, buy cheese (a wheel), with crackers (wheels), go home and put it on a lazy susan (wheel) and watch NASCAR racing on TV (wheels going around a wheel 500 times). They even have the audacity to sell us donuts, which are not food but rather a wheel made out of bread.

Keep an open mind. Think about it for a minute. They insist that the Earth rotates around the Sun in - which shape? You guessed it!

A circle. The wheel.

This is in spite of the fact that many scientists (whose voices have been brutally silenced) now acknowledge that the orbit of Earth goes in a straight line around the sun, gets to a corner, turns left at a ninety degree angle after traffic from other planets has cleared and continues going straight.

The hubris and greed of The Wheel People knows no bounds. This dark cabal of hidden masterminds will just keep giving us more wheels until the people finally say no. Though it may be quite dangerous to bring this to light publically, let me be clear: the world is run on wheels, and this large and sophisticated network of conspiracists will stop at nothing to ensure the continued dominance of roundness over angularity.

The Wheel People have spies everywhere. They could be people who are respected members of your community by day - the friendly bank teller, your neighbor with the dog, the town mayor. They could even be close friends, family, loved ones, people you’ve known for a long time. Don’t be fooled by any of it. They are all carrying a dark secret: a deep devotion to their master, The Wheel.

These seemingly helpful people will say things like, “Dad you can’t have a wheelbarrow with a triangle-shaped wheel! It’s impractical and inconvenient! And all your mulch will probably fall out when you hit a bump!”

Then they laugh and shake their heads, “Rectangles and Squares….hilarious! That is REALLY too funny, you should write that up on that little blog thing you do.” And then they’ll walk away, reporting back to Wheel Central that you’ve been neutralized.

But they can’t silence us forever. People are beginning to wake up to the terror and oppression around us. The longer they insist a round shape is the most natural form for many day to day activities and operations, the more they bring on the unstoppable revolution of alternative shape based solutions.

The final straw is this demeaning, patronizing phrase that is lobbed around: “Why reinvent the wheel?” My response? Don’t let them bully you.

They told Ben Franklin not to reinvent America. They told Pablo Piccasso not to reinvent Painting. They even told Tonya Harding her behavior was frowned upon by the Figure Skating Community. So, we can dream of a brighter future and tear down these spherical walls which have hemmed our spirits in for countless years. It is high time we reinvent the wheel.

If you’re with me, comment below!

Why Reinvent the Wheel?