Santa Chester
Every year is an endless cycle of lies and manipulation. We sing that dumb song – “He’s making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty or nice…” And the kiddies do their best to behave themselves starting around October 1st until the afternoon of December 25th. But we’re lying to them, because Santa is not real. And they’re lying to us, because they are not nice.
They hold it in. All those evil, foolish impulses that kids have. They smother the dark chaos which is buried in the soul of a child, to get that special present from Santa Clause on Christmas day. And we, who are enablers to this toxic cycle of fakeness, pretend what they’re doing is real.
Santa Clause lurks in the shadows, just out of sight each holiday season. If you’re not nice, Santa won’t come. He’ll put you on the naughty list, like every tyrant before him has done for eons, and fly right over your house on Christmas Eve en route to the chimney of a more compliant child. So, fall in line kids! You better be good. He even sees you when you’re sleeping.
And yet, the unwrapped packaging is barely in the trash on Christmas day before these kids revert back to their true selves. They’ve gotten what they wanted and now embrace that destructive folly yet again. They morph into animals and bandits, tiny horrors that terrorize the surrounding neighborhood. In their arrogance these kids think, What are you gonna do about it dad? All your leverage has been taken away for at least 9 more months!
Therefore, it became necessary to take the Christmas lie just another step further. Let the Holidays bleed out into the first few months of the new year and convince children there was another Santa – Santa Chester.
Santa Chester was invented in the early 1990s by amateur child psychologist Paul Fralick in an attempt to reign in the post-holiday behavioral excesses seen in his community. Mr. Fralick was a pioneer in many of the exciting innovations in parenting that occurred during that era, but Santa Chester stands out as one of his most prominent works.
Santa Chester is the alleged older brother of Santa Clause, and is responsible for taking away Christmas toys from children who are naughty between the dates of December 26th and March 1st. Though similar to his well-known brother in many ways, there are some important distinctions.
Whereas Clause leaves presents, Chester steals them back. Clause wears a red and white coat with boots and a festive hat, Chester wears whatever he wants – usually some kind of floral print button up.
Chester smells like chewing tobacco and laughs like a pirate. Chester eats carry out Mexican food in the front seat of his car and uses too much cologne. He doesn’t go to the North Pole or have a workshop, because he’s retired
Santa Chester is not like his kind-hearted brother, he is the enforcer of his family. He cares neither for children, nor elves, nor the holidays in general. He skips the entire season, residing most of the year in Phuket, Thailand. Santa Chester dyes his beard black, has dark tan lines and drinks Crown Royal mixed with cheap ginger ale out of his favorite coffee mug.*
*(The original Santa Chester was not described in this level of detail in the early years. His persona and habits have continued to be refined and developed by subsequent parents since at least the mid 2000s)
You may be saying to yourself, “Sounds like Santa Chester has a pretty nice life, why would he go out of his way to take away toys from naughty and disobedient children around the world?” Well the core of his personality can be described in one word: exasperated.
Santa Chester has put up with a lot of crap in his life. He’s just about had it up to here with everything and everybody, and when he sees these kids being bad after their poor parents busted ass all year long so that Santa Clause could get them what they always wanted for the holidays, he just can’t take it! He gets on the long flight from Thailand, via Korea and comes to the houses of these terrible little ingrates to take their presents back.
There’s no need to leave Chester milk and cookies, because he doesn’t use chimneys. He just comes in the front door, grabs the toys and whisks them away in the trunk of his rental car.
Where does he take the toys? To the city dump at 5 Mile Road and Napier. They get tossed out, never to be seen again. Then he gets in his sleigh (a Cathay-Pacific flight) and heads back to his long-term rental by the beach.
So, put your rotten kids on notice. Tell them this Santa doesn’t have a nice or naughty list, only a crumpled piece of paper with their name on it. And just because it’s the third week in January doesn’t mean they’re in the clear. You’d better not pout, better not cry, cause the Christmas repo-man, Santa Chester, is comin to town.